A Joke & Memes thread

[Papa Tiger]

Think about where your keys might be, cause since your 5th brew ya ain't paid any attention to anything but the Hottie Bartenders!

You glance around the bar casually. Several Hotties have keys hanging from belt loops.
A plan forms in your not quite as slow mind now!
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I should of said I has warned you, but why would I, when you are so much more entertaining !

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[Papa Tiger]

On the border of two states there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Yankee farmer, while the other half belongs to a Redneck. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Yankee comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Redneck neighbor.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of my wolves?" the Redneck asked. "Well," the Yankee replied, "he's chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."
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The old Hag is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "'Oh, really? Darn!" says the Old Hag. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes." "Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'' "Well, not everybody pays up."
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Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, "Son, do you have any last request?"
"Yes sir, I do," replied the condemned man. "I love dance music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last time? "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please, I beg you," pleaded the second man. "Put me to death, Kill me first."
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[Papa Tiger]

Four men are in the hospital waiting rooms because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first Dad and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
The Dad says, “That’s a crazy coincidence because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second Dad, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”
The Dad says, “That’s weird because I work for the 3M company.”

Much later the nurse tells the third new Dad, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets!”
The 3rd Dad says, “That’s strange because I work for the Four Seasons hotel.”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong?” she asks? He replies "I work for 7 up.
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Lil Johnny and Mrs. Lil Johnny have purchased a new Computer.
Mrs. Johnny helps her husband set up and install it.
Once it is completed, she asks him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and
with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: ..... my*****.
Lil Johnny then hits 'enter', to validate the selection,

Mrs. Lil Johnny laughs & roles on the floor in hysteria!
The computer replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
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Billy opens the large old family, Bible. He looks with fascination
at the ancient pages and turns them one by one. He's still in Genesis
when something falls out of the Bible.

Billy picks it up and inspects it. It's a very large old tree leaf that had been
pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Momma, look what I found!"
Lil Johnny calls out to his Mom, "What do you have there?" his mother asks.
With astonishment in his voice, Lil Johnny says, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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[Papa Tiger]

The beautiful Hottie loves growing tomatoes, but they don't ripen & turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she sees her neighbor Ken, who has the most beautiful garden
full of huge red tomatoes. Shirley asks Ken, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
Ken responds, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked
in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, Shirley is impressed by the wisdom; she decides to try doing the same thing
to her tomato garden to see if it will work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashes her garden hoping for the best. One day Ken is passing by and asks Shirley,
"By the way, how Have you done with your Tomatoes? Did they turn red?"
No", Shirley replies, "but the cucumbers are enormous."
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A large Cucumber laying on the floor will scare a Cat.

 

[Papa Tiger]

Nancy calls the Lunatic Asylum in the nearby town asks, "Has a Lunatic been reported to have escaped lately?" "No, why?" says the Office Personnel Director in charge. Nancy answers, "Someone's run off with my husband."
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Kevin stumbles into the police station with a black eye. He says, "I heard a noise in my back yard and went to investigate." "The next I knew, I got hit in the eye and knocked out cold."
The LEO was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned, 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye. "What Happened," "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asks. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake in the Dark.
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[Papa Tiger]

 

[Papa Tiger]

Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier. Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now.

Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts...and his bucket of shrimp. Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward
that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.

Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, 'Thank you. Thank you.'

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave. He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place. When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the
stairs, and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.

If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like 'a funny old duck,' as my dad used to say. Or, to onlookers, he's just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp. Old folks often do strange things, at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters. Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida ... That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better.

Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger and thirst. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water. They were hundreds of miles from land and no
one knew where they were or even if they were alive. The men adrift needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle.

They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged on. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft....suddenly Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap. It was a seagull! With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he
managed to grab it and wring its neck. He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal of it - a very slight meal for eight men. Then they used the intestines for bait. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait....and the cycle continued. With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued after 24 days at sea.
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[Papa Tiger]

A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?" ... ... ... "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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[Papa Tiger]

The Father is walking through the mall with his teen-age son, Too-Tall Jimmy Jr.
Too-Tall Jimmy Jr is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth.
On one such attempt, Too-tall fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting
the quarter lodged in his throat. As Too-Tall Jimmy begins to choke and wheeze his
father panics and starts yelling for help. Not too far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop, reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the ***** and squeezes the s*** out of them.

The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to
walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. In Amazement Jimmy's father goes over and
says, "Thank you Sir, you saved my son's life. Are you a doctor?" "No," the man replies,
"I work for the IRS."
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[Papa Tiger]

There is just so much going on here that its past our pay grade as of a while ago.

 

[Papa Tiger]

... .... ..... YA THINK THAT ENDS WELL? ,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Papa Tiger]

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